Jumping In....

Where do you start when you aren't exactly sure what you want to say?  I'm brand new to this blogging thing, so please be patient and bare with me.  I am 32, mother of 2 beautiful boys: Zack who is 11, and Dylan who is almost 9.  I have the best husband a girl could ask for.  He is a hard worker, he is patient, he loves his family and he is passionate about life.  I am healthy, I get to be a stay at home mom, we have a beautiful home, what more could you want, right??  Well, for almost 4 years now, my husband and I have dreamed of having a child of our own together (my boys are from a previous marriage).  In October of 2010 we were ecstatic to find out we were pregnant and that it had happened so easily.  Things were going along perfectly until my 18 week check up.  The doctor could not find the baby's heart beat.  We were devastated to learn that our sweet angel had passed away.  No, this wasn't happening.  Things like this don't happen to people like us.  Wrong! After a D&E where they removed the baby, I felt completely empty.  Like someone had stolen a part of my family from me.  It is an indescribable feeling to anyone who has not gone through it.  I wish it on no one.  

After many tests on the fetus, there were no answers.  No reason as to why this had happened.  Why our baby was gone.  We did find out that I was carrying a little girl.  We took that information as a blessing that nothing would happen the next time we got pregnant, which our doctor assumed would "happen quickly, as they do after these kinds of losses".  So with some optimism and the memory of our baby girl in our hearts, we got on with life again.  We were still actively trying to get pregnant, and month after month of me getting my period was nothing short of disappointing.  

After about a year of trying on our own, we were ready for some assistance.  We have tried medications, we have had so many tests done, that I could not name them all.  We were referred to a fertility specialist who informed us that with all the information they had received from the test results, we would have a 1-3% chance of conceiving on our own.  What?  How does that happen when we got pregnant so quickly before.  At this point, we decided to try IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).  We did this for 3 rounds, and each time that it didn't work felt like we had lost our baby girl all over again.  

So here we are, faced with the ultimate decision.  IVF, or no IVF?  It's been a long road full of emotion, obstacles, up and downs, and to me, this is our cross-roads.  Is this the end of the world?  No.  We will still go on and be our happy family of 4, but I just can't ignore this feeling that we still have a baby waiting for us, waiting to be a part of our family.  This is it, we are jumping in.  We have decided to go ahead with the IVF process and I want to be able to keep this record of our journey.  I want to detail the things we will be going through, the good and the bad.  No matter how this turns out for us, this will be a real journal, open and honest.  If anyone is going through this process, or thinking of going through it, maybe, just maybe this will help.