Does Bad Apple Always Equal Bad Parent?

Brace yourselves people, because I'm about to question something that we as a society have been saying over and over for years and years, you know the quotes: "Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be." Do you know who said this infamous quote? No? Neither did I.  So I looked it up. His name is David Bly, a politician from Minnesota. Here's another one: "A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone", said Billy Graham, a Christian evangelist. And then there's the old German proverb: "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." I call bullshit.  Someone picked my apples from my tree and chucked them so far away from my tree that I can't even see my apples anymore.  

These quotes drive me crazy because they are very good at making parents like me feel like we are doing the most horrible job, raising the most horrible people on the planet Earth, who will one day inevitably grow up to take our place as the most horrible person on planet Earth, and pass the title on to their children, and their children's children, and so on. Can we just stop with these quotes for a minute, please? While I do agree that to some extent that our children are learning from us, I'm fully convinced that children must also have a switch or a button somewhere in their brain that changes them from our sweet, innocent, little babies, into big babies whose vocabulary changes into only 1 word; "me! me! me!"  

So I ask, what about us parents who are doing everything in our being to show our kids how to be responsible, independent, amazing adults, and our kids take a crap on our examples like yesterday's trash? What about us parents who take the time everyday to explain to our kids the difference between right and wrong, who try to show our kids that the world doesn't revolve around them, that there are actually other people who inhabit this planet. Us parents who don't buy our kids every single thing they ask for? Us parents who put our kids in charge of their own laundry to evoke a sense of responsibility, and we haven't seen them do a load of laundry in weeks. What about us parents who try to involve our kids in fun family activities like pumpkin picking, cookie baking, movie watching, christmas-music listening, christmas-tree decorating, neighbor helping, family helping, volunteering, to instill all of those warm fuzzies so that said children don't grow up feeling neglected and resentful? What about us? We do our damnedest every day to show our kids respect, humility, humbleness, responsibility, accountability, kindness, all the goods, but our children still can't get past the fact that this life is about more than just them. Please cut us parents some slack and realize that we are doing everything in our power to raise self-sufficient, kind, loving adults. And please don't blame us if they don't turn out to be exactly like your quotes say they should be. 

To all of the parents out there who feel like you've lost your apples,  I want to share with you one of my favorite sayings about parenting. This helps me get through the days where I feel like squishing up my apples and making a heaping bowl of applesauce!

"I am NOT your friend. I am your parent. I will stalk you. Flip out on you. Lecture you. Drive you insane. Be your worst nightmare and hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed, because I LOVE YOU. When you understand that, I will know you're a responsible adult who will never find someone who loves, prays, cares and worries about you more than me. This is my promise to you." 

Guess who said this one? Author unknown. Whoever came up with this, you are brilliant, and I have the feeling you were going through some of these same times in your life too. So, thanks for keeping it real. 

Never Stop Being The Guy With Barbie Dolls In His Pockets

Tonight I found myself at Target, which is where I'm found most Sundays.  Whether it's to wander around aimlessly kid-free for a bit to get my head straight for Monday, or to grab a few last minute items needed for the week ahead, which tonight included hair gel, shampoo and conditioner, and milk.

But tonight's trip was different.  Every aisle I went up I kept running into this young couple, probably in their early 20's.  In their cart sat a tiny toddler, maybe 2 years old.  The little girl was of course doing toddler things; screaming, whining, gabbing, but what kept catching me off guard was the way this guy was talking to his wife (yes, they both had rings on so I'm assuming this was a husband and wife and their baby girl).  I ran into them in the shampoo aisle and she was admiring some headbands, commenting on how cute she thought her hair would look styled with one of them.  I sat there shopping, ok eavesdropping, as he said to her; "babe, you know what?  We aren't leaving this store without one of those headbands.  I'm serious, you will look beautiful!"  It tugged at my heart. Up and down the aisles he followed her while she did her aimless shopping.  Make up, finger nail polish, you could tell that he was just happy to be there, toddler-mess and all.  She was the only woman in Target to him tonight.

I finished up my shopping and was at the register, when I heard the infamous song from Frozen, "Let it Go" start playing.  I looked around trying to find where the music was coming from and as I walked toward the exit, there it was.  The same couple was walking out in front of me.  The guy was holding the toddler in one hand.  His other hand was wrapped tightly around his wife.  He leaned in and kissed her hard on her temple.  She rested her head on his shoulder.  And there in his back pocket were Anna and Elsa barbie dolls, singing "Let it go.  Let it go.  Don't hold it back anymore".  This was love at it's finest.

I guess my reason for feeling the need to blog about this is because marriage is hard.  Like, real damn hard.  Families are hard.  Struggles are hard and usually daily.  Running businesses and being a grown up and paying bills are all hard.  But I think at some point, we were all this same couple once. Madly in love, the only 2 people in the store, the couple that people watched adoringly.  Sometimes you show up at Target on a Sunday night, just to be reminded that this couple still exists.  We can all be that couple, if we choose to be.  So ladies, rest your heads on your dude's shoulder.  And dudes, never stop being the guy who carries around barbies in his back pocket.  xoxo

Well this was fun...(insert sarcasm)

So, remember how excited I was to get the kids' pictures taken with the mall Santa?? Ya, bagged that idea real quick! Instead, I decided to take them to a local photographer that is pretty much the same price as the mall Santa, but with better photos. The idea of the session is pretty cool: It's quick-which is great when you have 1 year old twins in tow!  You can choose to have them sit with the Santa they have there, or you can have one of the parents dress up in Santa gear, and be in the pictures (from the beard down). Super cool!  Their reasoning is that usually the kids won't cry if they know it's just mommy or daddy in a costume. Of course, Jeff jumped at the chance to play Santa and have his picture taken with the kids. 

Exhibit A:

Everything was going swimmingly, until "Santa" put the beard on his face. The girls wanted NOTHING to do with him!  Well, mainly Cali wanted nothing to do with him! 

Exhibit B:

And C:

We looked like a bunch of damn fools trying to get that baby to smile. Heck, I would have settled for frowny!  

Once our sesh was over, dad got changed back into his normal clothes, and that baby was SO SO happy, she clung to him the rest of the night. I'm pretty sure she was thinking: "I don't know who that fat guy was with that white crap all over his face-but I'm A-ok if I don't ever see him again, mmmkay?!"

As frustrating and as sad as I was that we didn't get pictures of the girls smiling, and despite the fact that one of the brothers bailed on the picture-taking festivities, I love these pictures!  They captured who our girls are and they show a loving and protective big brother and a dad who would dress up as Santa for a chance to be in on the action with the kids. We will have great memories with these pictures and I will love them forever! Tears and all!! xoxo

Eff the Elf!

Do you know what I don't like?  I don't like the Elf on the Shelf.  Not one bit.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a Scrooge.  I liked him just fine in the beginning.  Like 3 years ago.  But now, he's just getting on my damn nerves!

What started out as a fun little tradition has turned my December into a month of headache!  Thanks to Pinterest and friends from school with parents who are obviously cooler and more creative than we are, we now have created an Elf-fiasco!

Our Elf, Smiley, used to just move around from counter to counter, room to room and hang out in the most obvious of places.  Not any more.  Now he has to have new Elf clothes each year to keep up with the other Elves that they hear about at school.  He can't just come and chill on the counter anymore, he has to be tied up, held hostage by other toys, making dinner, playing in the ingredients (that's not messy at all!), taking a marshmallow bath in the sink-and I don't keep marshmallows on hand, so that one called for a late-night trip to the store! Zip-lining, pulling underwear out of drawers, running toilet paper all over the damn house, building lego towers, making an Elf-angel in flour on the countertop......For the love people!  I can't keep up!  And my favorite part is that each night, the kids now write Smiley letters to take to Santa.....and they expect a RESPONSE!!  So now I have to learn to write and speak Elf!!  EFF!

And then come the mornings when Smiley wasn't in a new crazy predicament because Mom and Dad were too damn tired and forgot to move him.  We have used the following excuses: "There must have been a horrible storm at the North Pole and Smiley couldn't get home last night to report to Santa, so he just stayed here."  "I guess you guys were too naughty and he didn't want to tell Santa on you!"  "Smiley must have been too sick to fly to the North Pole last night.  Poor guy."  Ya, we are horrible parents.

Can we just go back to the simpler times?  Like, I don't want to rack my brain every night trying to come up with a new Elf-story.  I don't want to do it.  It's not fun anymore.  I miss the days when my Elf just sat on the shelf, with his little Elf smirk and his little Elf hat.  And everything wasn't such a big production.  Let's go back I say!  Either that, or one morning Smiley might not return, and the only thing the kids will find is a little tiny letter from a little tiny Elf, who had to return to the North Pole for good, because Santa needed him to help make more toys!  (Of course, that won't really happen, but what I'm trying to say is Eff this damn Elf business!)

Here is where Smiley is hanging out tonight.  Because we are lazy.  Happy Elf-ing December!

This is what 12k looks like

Why do we as women have such a strong desire to have babies?  I know not every woman feels this way, but the ones who do know exactly what I'm talking about.  It's a deep, burning desire that is only filled by a tiny little flicker of a heartbeat inside of your body.  The heartbeat of a little babe.

I got pregnant with Z when I was 20, and with D when I was 23.  It was easy.  Effortless, really.  My sons were my whole world and I loved them more than anything.  Still do.  But I took for granted how easy these babies were brought into my life.  We decided we wanted kids, and we had kids.

Fast forward 10 years, a new life, a new husband, and along with that, a new desire had risen in me to have another baby.  My husband didn't have any children of his own, and we knew right away that we both wanted a baby together.  We decided to start trying the month after we were married, and guess what?  We got pregnant the very first month!  I know, over-achievers! "Whew, that was easy!"  Except that it wasn't.  We lost that sweet little life at 18 weeks and we were beyond devastated.  I felt completely empty.  Alone.  Lost.

Fast forward 3 years, countless medical tests and procedures, and there we were, no answers and no baby.  So what do you do when your desire to have another baby is so strong, so overpowering, and it's just not 'easy' anymore?  You either give up, or you try something new.  We tried something new.

IVF.  That word scared the shit out of me.  Basically you are paying a doctor a lot of money to give you a 50/50 chance at becoming pregnant.  Not to mention the months of meds and shots you have to give yourself just to prepare your body for a "pre-meditated pregnancy".  I didn't know if I was strong enough to do it, but I knew one thing;  I wanted a baby.  And I was prepared to do anything in my power to make it happen.

Fast forward 2 more years, and here we are, celebrating our twins' 1st birthday.  The road to get here has definitely not been easy.  But it was the road we were meant to take.  These girls were meant to be a part of our family, and we would not have gotten them on our own.  Thank God for modern medicine.  The ache I had in my heart for those 3 years is now gone.  I no longer feel like something is missing.  I don't have that empty feeling in my gut anymore.  We definitely aren't your typical family, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

Also, in case you were wondering, this is what 12 grand looks like!!

Getting excited to meet the Big Man In Red!

We are those parents.  The ones who get more excited than their kids to get all dressed up to go to the mall, stand in line for an eternity just to get a 2 minute melt-down picture with the Big Guy!  And I CANNOT wait!!

I have C & C's outfits all ready to go, I just need them to wake up from their naps to try them on and make sure it looks okay. (In case you don't know me, I have a slight obsession with baby fashion!) Here's what I've come up with, opinions welcome! Unless your opinions suck, in which case, you can keep them to yourself!! lol!

Reindeer sweaters and red jeggings from Baby Gap, leopard booties from Pottery Barn Kids, and bows from one of our favorite Instagram shops @littlemisskinlee!  

Of course, like a good mom, I'm making my older boys Z & D be in the picture too, they just don't know it yet! So my next mission is finding them something equally as cute/handsome to wear in the picture too.  Stay tuned for more Santa outfit updates!!!  xoxo

Unicorns & STD's

Today is the day people, and I am running around like a crazy woman!  Hair in a pony tail- which isn't so easy since I chopped it all off 2 days ago, mis-matched hoodie and sweats, no make-up and going on my 3rd cup of coffee.  I hate party planning.  It never comes together like I envision it, but since the girls turn 1 today, I figure I better throw a kick-ass first birthday party!

Our theme is Tinkerbell and Periwinkle, you know, the twin sisters from "Secret of the Wings"! I wanted to Pinterest the shit out of this party, but that is not gonna happen!  It will still be super cute, just not the amazing spectacle that I had imagined.  Mostly because I'm a procrastinator.  As I am typing, the hubbs is hanging streamers.  We have 160 balloons to blow up--by ourselves, a cake to pick up, a house to clean, a year-in-review iMovie to complete, on top of a hundred other tasks to get done.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

When did birthday parties become so extreme?  I remember when I was little I used to have my parties at McDonald's where we would spoon-feed each other ice cream as fast as we could for party games! Nowadays, if you don't have your birthday kid make an entrance on a flying unicorn, with trumpets playing in the background, you're a horrible person!  That's ok, I don't have time for flying unicorns and trumpets.  The girls will have an amazing party with lots of family and friends and they will be SO spoiled, I'm sure!  I'll save the unicorns for when they turn 16 ;)

Here are their birthday invitations!  I think they turned out A-dorable!  We found them on etsy!

On a side note, my 13 year old son brought home a note from school that we have to sign and send back giving him permission to learn about abstinence and STD's in his health class--Awesome!

xoxo

365 days

Do you ever wake up and think to yourself "Where in the hell did the last year of my life go?"  Well that's how I'm feeling right about now.

December 2012 was when we set off on our IVF adventure--I say adventure to try and convince myself it was hella fun!!  In March of 2013 we found out we were expecting twins.  And tomorrow, those twins will be 1 year old.  365 days.  52 weeks.  12 months.  525,948 minutes.  And we are still alive.  We survived.  And now here I sit, asking myself how in the hell did that just happen?  Where did all of that time go?  

The last year has been filled with about a gazillion diapers, a ton of poop, like so much poop you guys!  A lot of tears; both babies' and mine.  Probably a thousand bottles a week, not even exaggerating.  A trillion loads of laundry, a million lost binkis, an infinite number of hours of lost sleep, and like zero sex.  Ya, I said it...you don't have a lot of sex with twin babies to look after.  

The good news is that I feel like the hardest part, the newborn stage, is now behind us and we can start to get back to a somewhat normal life--if there is such a thing.  The past year seemed to fly by in the blink of an eye, yet there were days that I felt had lasted a lifetime.  The girls are on the verge of walking and they are into absolutely everything; we have caught them snacking on the dog food more than once.  It's like we have reached our first big hurdle in a metaphorical never-ending race.  Tomorrow our girls will be 1 and we will move on to the next leg of the race.  Tomorrow we will have toddlers.  (dun dun dun)!

November 20, 2013

 November 19, 2014 (birthday eve)

Anniversaries, spit up and Dr. Phil

Today has been a freakin' day.  I am so over it, it's not even funny.  I have had zero time to myself lately, and I think it's starting to show -(applying Stress Away as we speak)!  Like, if you guys could see my house right now, you would die!  I'm staring at piles of laundry, mail and clutter that I have been staring at for a good while now.  There are loads of baby clothes, toys, blankets and the like scattered around my house, and I can't seem to get on top of it.  I feel like my house is starting to look like an episode of Hoarders-no joke!  I can't tell you the last time I put make up on or did my hair, it's usually up in a bun lately.  There are empty bottles here and there, diapers bags on the floor, and a weird smell coming from the laundry room??  My suitcase is still only half-unpacked from my trip last weekend.

This is what I feel like lately:

Crazy mom in the hizzy!

There just aren't enough hours in the day lately.  Oh, did I mention that today is mine and Jeff's 5 year anniversary?  Yep, we made it 5 years strong!  And the card for my husband is still in a drawer in the room, unsigned.  I'm telling you, no free time!!  We aren't having a fancy celebration, no dinner dates.  I'm here in my cuffed-up jeans, t-shirt, pony tail and no make-up, spit up on the front of my shirt and barely holding it together.  The boys are fighting, which is nothing new, but today I just don't have the patience for it.  Mean mom? Yep, that's me!  The girls are napping and right now I just want to sit down with my iced coffee and watch some Dr. Phil.  The guy just gets me!  

I should be cleaning or doing laundry, making dinner or writing out bills.  But instead I'm sitting on the couch with my Joe and my Phil, and I just might take a nap too!  Motherhood is not for wussies, and especially when you are dealing with twins.  And brothers who fight a lot.  Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like they are in mom-mode 24/7!?

Just in case I don't get to that card in the drawer before tonight and I don't get it written out, here is my Happy Anniversary to my hubbs!  Love you and I'm so excited to see where the future is taking us.  Seriously EXCITED!  Thanks for being an awesome daddy to the girls, they love you so so much.  And thank you for being a strong dad and role model for the boys, when you don't have to be.  

Thanks for making me feel special and reminding me that I am pretty, or a good momma, when I don't always feel it.  You are the best husband ever!  Love you most!

Babies are crying, so that's my cue, and means no nap for me :( So lastly, if you know me or have followed me for a while on Facebook or IG, you know about my love affair with Young Living Essential Oils.  I am doing a giveaway real soon for a few bottles of oils because I want to share the love!  Stay tuned for more details!

Nikkee

XOXO

We can do hard things

This weekend has been very bitter sweet.

On the one hand I feel so lucky and so thrilled to be in San Diego this weekend for an awesome Lemondropper workshop. It was amaze-balls! I got to meet up with some of my fellow Droppers, and meet some new ones as well.  These women are so empowering and so inspiring!  We even got a glance at Lady GaGa, yep she's staying at the same resort that we are at!

I learned so much information and I am so excited that I can hardly stand it!! (Insert excited girly squeal!)  I love hearing stories from other people about why they are here, what is bringing us all together in this unbelievable movement.  Because that's what I feel we are all a part of, this movement.  This thing that is so much bigger than us all, but that we are all wanting to share with everyone we know!  Hearing the speeches and heartfelt stories from these women and leaders is invaluable to me.  

Now, the hard part.  

I miss my girls and my boys and my husband terribly.  I miss baby smell, and stinky baby feet, baby smiles and baby laughs.  I miss my husbands hugs and words of encouragement.  I miss hearing my boys come in the garage door and telling me about their day at school.  I missed my son's soccer try outs and school Wax Museum.  It's hard to be a mom to these little people and to be away from them. Luckily my husband sends me pictures like this to make me smile while I'm away!

My husband. 

Seriously, how did I get so lucky??  Not only is he managing the twins on his own while I'm gone for the weekend, but he is doing it with flying colors!  The guy deserves like a purple heart or something!    He's stepping up to do all of the hard things that I can't right now.  Our kiddos are so lucky!!  But my heart hurts for my husband tonight.  Because today he closed an important chapter in his life and I feel horrible that I am not there to help him.  Today he closed down one of his karate studios.  He puts his blood and sweat into his students and his studios, but we couldn't keep this one going any longer, and he had to say goodbye.  That's a pretty big deal.  I know that all of this is happening for a reason.  It's no coincidence to me that we are closing this door at the same time we are walking into another.  It's that crazy ride I was talking about, that we don't seem to have control of.  Seeing this picture of the empty studio kinda hit me in the gut.  But we can do hard things.  And we can make it.  We will make it. 

So now that today is over with, I'm taking some of my best friends, and we are going to bed.  Valor and Cedarwood for a good night's sleep, Stress Away to calm my mind, and Deep Relief because my freaking shoulders are killing me!  

See y'all back in the S.L.C.!!

XOXO

Nikkee

One pair of Big Girl Panties, please!

So, for as long as I can remember, I have never been that girl. The girl to be adventurous, to step out of the norm, to do things that might not be considered main-stream. I always play it safe, I play by the rules and I color inside of the lines. Well guess what people?? All of that stuff just screams BORING!

My life seems to be taking on a gravitational pull lately that I have no control over. I feel like I am just along for the ride. But ironically enough, it also feels comfortable. It feels safe. It's like I have been sitting at the same bus stop for 34 years, waiting for a ride that never shows up. Until now. My ride is here and I am friggin' thrilled! I may not be in control, and I might be a little scared, but that goes along with the whole stepping out-of-the-box thing, right??

This weekend I am getting on a plane, by myself, and spending the weekend with a bunch of strangers who all have 1 thing in common: People. We are all passionate about helping people. Educating people. And loving people.

So I'm sitting here packing up my suitcase, Big Girl Panties included! Because my ride is here, and I ain't about to miss it!!


XOXO

Nikkee

Let's start from the very beginning...

First of all, I can't believe that it has been a year since my last post. Where has the time gone? I wanted to do a quick little recap for any new readers, of what I have been through in the last 6 years of my life that has led me to where I am today.

I was 28. Divorced. A single mom, raising 2 little boys all on my own. I'd say that I was at a very low time in my life. I didn't have much, but we were making it. Dylan was only 4 and Zack was 6. I had moved back in with my parents because I was no longer able to support my little family on my own. Thank God for parents. I had decided that I needed to get the boys involved in some sort of activity. Something to keep them active and out of trouble, right? My mom had suggested to me that I sign the boys up for karate. Perfect! I made the call, scheduled their first lesson, fell in love with their Instructor, like literally, fell in love! Although he was able to resist my advances at first, eventually he caved and we went out on our first date. We were married 7 months later! Crazy, right??

So there we were, our little family of four. Jeff had no kids of his own and I had this feeling in my gut that just wouldn't quit, I knew I wanted more kids, I was meant to have more kids. When we finally decided the time was right for us to start trying, I think we were both a little shocked at how fast it actually happened. Like, crazy shocked! We were thrilled to be expecting our own little babe, something we had created together. I felt full of love, full of the life that was growing inside me. I was happy. Until I was 18 weeks. We lost our little baby at 18 weeks, and it was the absolute most horrible thing that I have been through in my life. How did this happen? Why me? What had I done to deserve this? These were all questions that ran through my head over and over again. We later found out that it had been a little girl, and there was no answer to why it had happened. The hundreds of dollars spent on medical tests couldn't even tell us why it happened. We were both shattered. Devastated. Empty.

Over the next 3 years Jeff and I would struggle with infertility. We did test after test, and everything kept coming back "normal". We did several rounds of fertility drugs, along with 3 rounds of IUI (intrauterine insemination), before we finally decided that we were going to take the plunge with IVF. We were scared, but optimistic. (You can read all about my IVF journey in my previous posts!) We ended up transferring 2 little embryos, who are now our 6 month old baby girl twinkies - Cali and Capri! We have been so blessed with these 2 babies, let me tell you! They are seriously the perfect ending to my little story...

...if this had been the ending. But honestly, I feel like my life is just beginning in so many ways. At 34 years old, I am finally starting to feel that my life has purpose. That I am meant to be here, in this exact place, at this exact time. Is that weird? Maybe. But I'm ok with weird. I'm ok with the crazy. I'm ok with all of it, because it's where I choose to be.

At this point in my life, I am finally starting to do the things I have always wanted to do, but never thought I could. I love to write, and guess what? I'm writing. I'm using the inspiration from my little girls to write kids books, because it's something I have always wanted to do. I'm taking on new business ventures, which is another thing that I never thought I would be doing in a million years. I am meeting new people, sharing my passion, and I love it! Every single day, I love it! I started an online shop selling the clothes that my girls grow out of, another thing that I never thought I would be doing, but I am! And I adore the friendships I have made with other moms out there doing the same thing.

I guess the point of this post is to remind you that no matter where you are in life, it's never too late to find something you love, and run with it. Run your ass off! Do big things. Be different. Stand out. Make a difference.

I plan to keep this blog updated weekly with anything from family, to twins, to trials, to products that I love, maybe some that I don't. Random things here and there, because that's how I roll lately. Welcome to my crazy!

Specks of Life

So much has happened since my last post, it's hard to believe that it's only been about a week!  We saw the doctor again on Tuesday the 12th where we were told that I had plenty of mature follicles.  Due to the size of my ovaries and the number of follices the doctor decided to have my estrogen level checked, which came back higher than what they would like.  These were all red flags that I could have some form of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome).  In some extreme cases of OHSS hospitalization can be required so they wanted to watch me closely over the next little while.  They sent us home and instructed us to do our HCG trigger shot that night promptly at 8pm, which I was deathly afraid of because it's done in the back.  This shot would stimulate the follicles for ovulation.  Luckily we have a great friend who was more than willing to come over and do the shot for us! They also gave us instructions to help reduce symptoms of OHSS: lots of rest, drink tons of Gatorade for the electrolytes, and weigh myself each morning as I should not gain more than 2 lbs from day to day, watch for difficulty breathing and blood clots.  Seriously??  They also let us know that we would be coming back to the clinic on Thursday for the egg retrieval.  So exciting!

Fast forward to Thursday, I was scared and nervous for this appointment, even though I had heard that the retrieval was a fairly easy procedure.  I was put under anesthesia for the process, and I was nervous because Jeff would not be allowed in the room since it's considered an operation.  Once I came out of recovery, we were shocked to learn that they were able to retrieve 27 eggs, when we were told that the average number is 6 - another indication of OHSS.  I do regret not being more prepared for what would come post-procedure, and not researching it more beforehand.  While the operation itself was not painful at all, it was the aftermath that I was not prepared for.  I wasn't warned about how bloated you would feel for about a week after the procedure.  It can be pretty painful.  I looked pregnant even though I wasn't (someone's idea of a cruel joke). I felt like I was on a roller coaster, one day I would feel on the ups, and the next I was weak and nauseous and couldn't get out of bed.  Some of the symptoms I was having were completely normal, while some could be contributed to the mild case of OHSS that I had.  Needless to say, I have spent most of the last week laying in bed trying to get my strength back.  I have really missed being able to go out in the warm weather with my kids this past week, being able to help them with homework, and just being able to do things to keep up around the house.  I know it is temporary and will hopefully pass soon, and thankfully I have a wonderful husband who has been so great to step up and do all of these things for me.

When we left the retrieval appointment we were told that we would get a call on Saturday from the embryologist to let us know how many of the eggs fertilized and how they were looking.  We couldn't wait to get this phone call!  We were so pleased to hear that of the 27 eggs they retrieved 21 were mature and all 21 had been fertilized.  For a couple having such a hard time conceiving, this seemed amazing to us!  From that point, the embryologist let us know that we were scheduled to have our transfer done on the following Tuesday.

Which brings us to today.  We were so excited and scared going into our appointment today.  For one, we still weren't positive they would do the transfer because of the OHSS.  And if the transfer didn't happen today, they would freeze as many of the embryos as they could, and we would have to start over again in a couple of months using the frozen embryos.  Sitting in the chair waiting for the doctor to come in took forever!  When he finally came into our room he explained to us that they had 13 embryos that had fertilized and divided beautifully to the blastocyst stage.  There were also 6 possible embryos that may get to that stage overnight, which we can end up freezing if we choose along with the other embryos that we would not use right now.  They gave us a picture of the 2 embryos that looked the best and asked us how many we had decided to transfer.  Before we could do the transfer though, the doctor did an ultrasound which showed that my ovaries are still pretty large, which is normal, and that there is some fluid in the ovaries, which contributes to the bloating, also normal.  The doctor informed us that if we proceed with the transfer and do become pregnant, there is a small chance that the OHSS symptoms can become worse...I believe his words were "It will be the worst 3 weeks of your life."  Very comforting.  But the chances of success are slightly greater when you are dealing with a fresh embryo as opposed to a frozen one.  So after discussing the pros and cons with Jeff, we decided to go ahead with the transfer, and we did transfer the 2 best looking embryos.  I remember lying in the chair watching the embryos being put into the catheter up on the screen and thinking "Oh my God, these are my babies. They are living, and they are ours."  It was an amazing experience to see something so new to creation, so vulnerable, so fragile, and at that moment I could not help but feel an instant attachment to these little specks of life that they were passing into my body.  I was speechless.

And now we play the waiting game.  I am on bed rest for at least 2-3 days, and then we go back on Easter to take our pregnancy test and see if this will have all been worth it.  We can't help but be hopeful and optimistic.

Love is a Battlefield

For some reason, this song keeps popping into my head lately, and I think it is a very fitting title to everything going on in our lives right now, and especially our road to IVF.  

Since my last post, we have had 2 more doctor visits.  The first was a week ago to make sure that the first round of shots were doing their job.  The doctor said everything looked great, and I had plenty of tiny follicles, which translates to plenty of eggs!  After that visit I had to up my shots to 3 different ones a day, all intended to stimulate my follicles to grow so that when they do my egg retrieval they can get as many eggs as possible.  It's been a tough week, emotionally and physically.  Giving myself 1 shot a day was one thing, but now 3???  Some days aren't too bad, but then there are those days where I just want to cry because they do hurt...and I do cry! Luckily for me, I have a friend of mine going through this same thing at the same time, and I have been able to bombard her with all of my questions.  She assured me that it's totally normal to feel emotional, she said it was like "PMS x 10,000"!  She also had me look at things a little differently: in a normal cycle, a woman gets ready to release 1 egg.  Going through IVF you are getting your body ready to release 10X that, or more!  I feel better knowing that the emotions, pressure, and anxiety are all a normal thing and that I am not going through this alone.

We went back for another appointment today, where they did another ultrasound to see how things were going.  At this point, they like to see that the follicles are measuring between 15-18mm before they have us take the next step.  The doctor told us that usually they send women home to do about 2 more days of shots, before giving them an HCG shot, which triggers the eggs to be released.  While I had some follicles measuring at 16-19 mm, most were measuring around 13-15 mm.  The doctor seems to think that 1 more day of injections should do the trick and hopefully mature the smaller follicles just a bit more.  That way there is a higher chance of more eggs at retrieval time.  More eggs = higher success rate!  So we will go back in the morning to see what today's round of shots have done for my follicles.  At that point, 1 of 2 things will happen: 1. We will be sent home for 1 more day of injections, or 2. They will have me do an HCG injection at home which will trigger the eggs to be released.  From there, they would be doing the egg retrieval either the end of this week or beginning of next.  Eek!!

We have tried for so long to have a baby of our own, and now things seem to be happening in fast-forward.  Through the ups and downs of this process, I have had to keep reminding myself that love is a battlefield, and it's not always easy.  We have to fight, and fight hard for the things we want sometimes.  My stomach at this point looks like a battlefield; bruises, bleeding and needle marks.  But we are doing this for LOVE.  The love my husband and I have for each other, and the love we wish to pass on to a little one.  The love we have for our children now, and our love for family.  When it comes down to it, family is all we really have.  So at the end of the day, it all becomes clear and the reason we are going through this "battlefield" is worth all of it!  XOXO

Shots, shots, & more shots

Time seems to be flying by.  We are 1 week into my first round of shots, and can I just say "ouch!"  The day Jeff brought home my prescription I started freaking out and wondering how it in the hell I was going to be able to shoot myself with a needle in the stomach every day.  I questioned myself more than once and had to keep asking myself if this was going to be worth it.  Every time I asked myself that question, the answer was always unequivocally YES!  The shots have become easier to handle and easier to give, so that's a plus!  But my bathroom has started to look like a drug lab, and as the needles have started to pile up each day, Dylan finally noticed and asked: "Mom, what are all of these for?"  Up until now we have decided to leave the kids in the dark, so to speak.  We were not exactly sure how we wanted to tell them, and how much to tell them, but here it was, the question I knew was coming eventually.  How do you explain to your kids that mommy and daddy are trying to have a baby but we can't?  We haven't really even had the official sex talk yet, so I wasn't sure how much to tell them.  My explanation went something like this:  "Well Dylan, remember how I told you that Mom and Jeff really want to have our own baby ever since we lost our little girl a few years ago?  Well sometimes mommies and daddies have a hard time getting a baby on their own, and they have to go to a baby doctor.  The doctor gave mommy these shots, and hopefully this medicine is going to help mom to get pregnant."  I pretty much left it at that and it seemed to satisfy his curiosity.  But then he asked me why we want to have another baby.  I tried to explain to him that we have been sad inside since we lost our baby girl and that I feel like our family is not complete yet.  I told him that I still think we have another little baby waiting in Heaven to come and be a part of our family.  This seemed to suffice and he said he was ok with it, as long as he gets a little sister.......I hope we can deliver!

Girl or boy, twins or not, we are just praying for a healthy happy babe to join our crazy life.  

We have another doctor appointment coming up in a couple of days where they will do an ultrasound to make sure these shots have been doing their job, which is basically to overstimulate my body into producing as many eggs as possible, and hopefully none of the eggs have been released early, in which case we will have to push things out about a week or so.  We will also get the rest of my medication, more shots, and they will also be expecting our payment.  It's weird to think that in a way you are paying for a chance to have a baby, but that's pretty much what we are doing.  You can't put a price on family, and we are just elated to have this opportunity.  We are so thankful for everyone's support and prayers in our journey to Baby Dreams!

xoxo

Decisions, Decisions

Today was a day for decision making!  Jeff and I had an appointment with our fertility doctor today, nothing too exciting.  Just a physical for myself to make sure that my body is ready for IVF.  You know, the usual height, weight, blood pressure, temperature, that sort of thing.  The doctor also performed an ultrasound to look at my ovaries and count my eggs, which apparently I have a lot of, so that's good news.  They also did what's called a "trial transfer", basically inserting a catheter into my uterus (I did tell you this was an open blog, right?) to establish the length and the path they will take on the day of the actual embryo transfer.  A pretty easy appointment, though I was so glad Jeff was there with me to make me laugh and help me when I couldn't get out of my skinny jeans!  (We've all been there girls!)

The decision making came when it was time to go over some paperwork.  We had to sign basically saying that we know there are certain complications and risks involved with IVF.  We also had to decide what we wanted to do with the embryos that would not be used on the day of the transfer.  Did we want to donate them? Did we want to freeze them for a possible future transfer if this first one is unsuccessful or if we want more kids? (At which point Jeff decided the name of that baby would be Sub-Zero, stupid Mortal Kombat humor.)  Or did we want to discard of the remaining embryos, which didn't seem right to either of us.  We decided freezing them was the option for us.  Then came the interesting part- what to do with the embryos should one of us die?  What to do with them if one of us were to enter into a new relationship- oddly enough we were given the option to transfer our embryos into Jeff's new wife if that were ever the case - weird & hell to the no!  What did we want to do with our frozen embryos if we were unable to pay the storage fee?  Yes, there is a storage fee!  All of these weird scenarios kept cropping up that we weren't totally prepared for.  These are all questions we wouldn't even have to think about if we could get pregnant the "traditional" way.  We made the decisions that were best for us and that is all we can do.

The next step for us at this point is for me to start daily injections around February 17th, which I am absolutely dreading.  I hope I can do it!  Until then, we are just enjoying our time together filled with coffee beans & baby dreams!

Jumping In....

Where do you start when you aren't exactly sure what you want to say?  I'm brand new to this blogging thing, so please be patient and bare with me.  I am 32, mother of 2 beautiful boys: Zack who is 11, and Dylan who is almost 9.  I have the best husband a girl could ask for.  He is a hard worker, he is patient, he loves his family and he is passionate about life.  I am healthy, I get to be a stay at home mom, we have a beautiful home, what more could you want, right??  Well, for almost 4 years now, my husband and I have dreamed of having a child of our own together (my boys are from a previous marriage).  In October of 2010 we were ecstatic to find out we were pregnant and that it had happened so easily.  Things were going along perfectly until my 18 week check up.  The doctor could not find the baby's heart beat.  We were devastated to learn that our sweet angel had passed away.  No, this wasn't happening.  Things like this don't happen to people like us.  Wrong! After a D&E where they removed the baby, I felt completely empty.  Like someone had stolen a part of my family from me.  It is an indescribable feeling to anyone who has not gone through it.  I wish it on no one.  

After many tests on the fetus, there were no answers.  No reason as to why this had happened.  Why our baby was gone.  We did find out that I was carrying a little girl.  We took that information as a blessing that nothing would happen the next time we got pregnant, which our doctor assumed would "happen quickly, as they do after these kinds of losses".  So with some optimism and the memory of our baby girl in our hearts, we got on with life again.  We were still actively trying to get pregnant, and month after month of me getting my period was nothing short of disappointing.  

After about a year of trying on our own, we were ready for some assistance.  We have tried medications, we have had so many tests done, that I could not name them all.  We were referred to a fertility specialist who informed us that with all the information they had received from the test results, we would have a 1-3% chance of conceiving on our own.  What?  How does that happen when we got pregnant so quickly before.  At this point, we decided to try IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).  We did this for 3 rounds, and each time that it didn't work felt like we had lost our baby girl all over again.  

So here we are, faced with the ultimate decision.  IVF, or no IVF?  It's been a long road full of emotion, obstacles, up and downs, and to me, this is our cross-roads.  Is this the end of the world?  No.  We will still go on and be our happy family of 4, but I just can't ignore this feeling that we still have a baby waiting for us, waiting to be a part of our family.  This is it, we are jumping in.  We have decided to go ahead with the IVF process and I want to be able to keep this record of our journey.  I want to detail the things we will be going through, the good and the bad.  No matter how this turns out for us, this will be a real journal, open and honest.  If anyone is going through this process, or thinking of going through it, maybe, just maybe this will help.