Shots, shots, & more shots

Time seems to be flying by.  We are 1 week into my first round of shots, and can I just say "ouch!"  The day Jeff brought home my prescription I started freaking out and wondering how it in the hell I was going to be able to shoot myself with a needle in the stomach every day.  I questioned myself more than once and had to keep asking myself if this was going to be worth it.  Every time I asked myself that question, the answer was always unequivocally YES!  The shots have become easier to handle and easier to give, so that's a plus!  But my bathroom has started to look like a drug lab, and as the needles have started to pile up each day, Dylan finally noticed and asked: "Mom, what are all of these for?"  Up until now we have decided to leave the kids in the dark, so to speak.  We were not exactly sure how we wanted to tell them, and how much to tell them, but here it was, the question I knew was coming eventually.  How do you explain to your kids that mommy and daddy are trying to have a baby but we can't?  We haven't really even had the official sex talk yet, so I wasn't sure how much to tell them.  My explanation went something like this:  "Well Dylan, remember how I told you that Mom and Jeff really want to have our own baby ever since we lost our little girl a few years ago?  Well sometimes mommies and daddies have a hard time getting a baby on their own, and they have to go to a baby doctor.  The doctor gave mommy these shots, and hopefully this medicine is going to help mom to get pregnant."  I pretty much left it at that and it seemed to satisfy his curiosity.  But then he asked me why we want to have another baby.  I tried to explain to him that we have been sad inside since we lost our baby girl and that I feel like our family is not complete yet.  I told him that I still think we have another little baby waiting in Heaven to come and be a part of our family.  This seemed to suffice and he said he was ok with it, as long as he gets a little sister.......I hope we can deliver!

Girl or boy, twins or not, we are just praying for a healthy happy babe to join our crazy life.  

We have another doctor appointment coming up in a couple of days where they will do an ultrasound to make sure these shots have been doing their job, which is basically to overstimulate my body into producing as many eggs as possible, and hopefully none of the eggs have been released early, in which case we will have to push things out about a week or so.  We will also get the rest of my medication, more shots, and they will also be expecting our payment.  It's weird to think that in a way you are paying for a chance to have a baby, but that's pretty much what we are doing.  You can't put a price on family, and we are just elated to have this opportunity.  We are so thankful for everyone's support and prayers in our journey to Baby Dreams!

xoxo

Decisions, Decisions

Today was a day for decision making!  Jeff and I had an appointment with our fertility doctor today, nothing too exciting.  Just a physical for myself to make sure that my body is ready for IVF.  You know, the usual height, weight, blood pressure, temperature, that sort of thing.  The doctor also performed an ultrasound to look at my ovaries and count my eggs, which apparently I have a lot of, so that's good news.  They also did what's called a "trial transfer", basically inserting a catheter into my uterus (I did tell you this was an open blog, right?) to establish the length and the path they will take on the day of the actual embryo transfer.  A pretty easy appointment, though I was so glad Jeff was there with me to make me laugh and help me when I couldn't get out of my skinny jeans!  (We've all been there girls!)

The decision making came when it was time to go over some paperwork.  We had to sign basically saying that we know there are certain complications and risks involved with IVF.  We also had to decide what we wanted to do with the embryos that would not be used on the day of the transfer.  Did we want to donate them? Did we want to freeze them for a possible future transfer if this first one is unsuccessful or if we want more kids? (At which point Jeff decided the name of that baby would be Sub-Zero, stupid Mortal Kombat humor.)  Or did we want to discard of the remaining embryos, which didn't seem right to either of us.  We decided freezing them was the option for us.  Then came the interesting part- what to do with the embryos should one of us die?  What to do with them if one of us were to enter into a new relationship- oddly enough we were given the option to transfer our embryos into Jeff's new wife if that were ever the case - weird & hell to the no!  What did we want to do with our frozen embryos if we were unable to pay the storage fee?  Yes, there is a storage fee!  All of these weird scenarios kept cropping up that we weren't totally prepared for.  These are all questions we wouldn't even have to think about if we could get pregnant the "traditional" way.  We made the decisions that were best for us and that is all we can do.

The next step for us at this point is for me to start daily injections around February 17th, which I am absolutely dreading.  I hope I can do it!  Until then, we are just enjoying our time together filled with coffee beans & baby dreams!

Jumping In....

Where do you start when you aren't exactly sure what you want to say?  I'm brand new to this blogging thing, so please be patient and bare with me.  I am 32, mother of 2 beautiful boys: Zack who is 11, and Dylan who is almost 9.  I have the best husband a girl could ask for.  He is a hard worker, he is patient, he loves his family and he is passionate about life.  I am healthy, I get to be a stay at home mom, we have a beautiful home, what more could you want, right??  Well, for almost 4 years now, my husband and I have dreamed of having a child of our own together (my boys are from a previous marriage).  In October of 2010 we were ecstatic to find out we were pregnant and that it had happened so easily.  Things were going along perfectly until my 18 week check up.  The doctor could not find the baby's heart beat.  We were devastated to learn that our sweet angel had passed away.  No, this wasn't happening.  Things like this don't happen to people like us.  Wrong! After a D&E where they removed the baby, I felt completely empty.  Like someone had stolen a part of my family from me.  It is an indescribable feeling to anyone who has not gone through it.  I wish it on no one.  

After many tests on the fetus, there were no answers.  No reason as to why this had happened.  Why our baby was gone.  We did find out that I was carrying a little girl.  We took that information as a blessing that nothing would happen the next time we got pregnant, which our doctor assumed would "happen quickly, as they do after these kinds of losses".  So with some optimism and the memory of our baby girl in our hearts, we got on with life again.  We were still actively trying to get pregnant, and month after month of me getting my period was nothing short of disappointing.  

After about a year of trying on our own, we were ready for some assistance.  We have tried medications, we have had so many tests done, that I could not name them all.  We were referred to a fertility specialist who informed us that with all the information they had received from the test results, we would have a 1-3% chance of conceiving on our own.  What?  How does that happen when we got pregnant so quickly before.  At this point, we decided to try IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).  We did this for 3 rounds, and each time that it didn't work felt like we had lost our baby girl all over again.  

So here we are, faced with the ultimate decision.  IVF, or no IVF?  It's been a long road full of emotion, obstacles, up and downs, and to me, this is our cross-roads.  Is this the end of the world?  No.  We will still go on and be our happy family of 4, but I just can't ignore this feeling that we still have a baby waiting for us, waiting to be a part of our family.  This is it, we are jumping in.  We have decided to go ahead with the IVF process and I want to be able to keep this record of our journey.  I want to detail the things we will be going through, the good and the bad.  No matter how this turns out for us, this will be a real journal, open and honest.  If anyone is going through this process, or thinking of going through it, maybe, just maybe this will help.