Well this was fun...(insert sarcasm)

So, remember how excited I was to get the kids' pictures taken with the mall Santa?? Ya, bagged that idea real quick! Instead, I decided to take them to a local photographer that is pretty much the same price as the mall Santa, but with better photos. The idea of the session is pretty cool: It's quick-which is great when you have 1 year old twins in tow!  You can choose to have them sit with the Santa they have there, or you can have one of the parents dress up in Santa gear, and be in the pictures (from the beard down). Super cool!  Their reasoning is that usually the kids won't cry if they know it's just mommy or daddy in a costume. Of course, Jeff jumped at the chance to play Santa and have his picture taken with the kids. 

Exhibit A:

Everything was going swimmingly, until "Santa" put the beard on his face. The girls wanted NOTHING to do with him!  Well, mainly Cali wanted nothing to do with him! 

Exhibit B:

And C:

We looked like a bunch of damn fools trying to get that baby to smile. Heck, I would have settled for frowny!  

Once our sesh was over, dad got changed back into his normal clothes, and that baby was SO SO happy, she clung to him the rest of the night. I'm pretty sure she was thinking: "I don't know who that fat guy was with that white crap all over his face-but I'm A-ok if I don't ever see him again, mmmkay?!"

As frustrating and as sad as I was that we didn't get pictures of the girls smiling, and despite the fact that one of the brothers bailed on the picture-taking festivities, I love these pictures!  They captured who our girls are and they show a loving and protective big brother and a dad who would dress up as Santa for a chance to be in on the action with the kids. We will have great memories with these pictures and I will love them forever! Tears and all!! xoxo

Eff the Elf!

Do you know what I don't like?  I don't like the Elf on the Shelf.  Not one bit.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a Scrooge.  I liked him just fine in the beginning.  Like 3 years ago.  But now, he's just getting on my damn nerves!

What started out as a fun little tradition has turned my December into a month of headache!  Thanks to Pinterest and friends from school with parents who are obviously cooler and more creative than we are, we now have created an Elf-fiasco!

Our Elf, Smiley, used to just move around from counter to counter, room to room and hang out in the most obvious of places.  Not any more.  Now he has to have new Elf clothes each year to keep up with the other Elves that they hear about at school.  He can't just come and chill on the counter anymore, he has to be tied up, held hostage by other toys, making dinner, playing in the ingredients (that's not messy at all!), taking a marshmallow bath in the sink-and I don't keep marshmallows on hand, so that one called for a late-night trip to the store! Zip-lining, pulling underwear out of drawers, running toilet paper all over the damn house, building lego towers, making an Elf-angel in flour on the countertop......For the love people!  I can't keep up!  And my favorite part is that each night, the kids now write Smiley letters to take to Santa.....and they expect a RESPONSE!!  So now I have to learn to write and speak Elf!!  EFF!

And then come the mornings when Smiley wasn't in a new crazy predicament because Mom and Dad were too damn tired and forgot to move him.  We have used the following excuses: "There must have been a horrible storm at the North Pole and Smiley couldn't get home last night to report to Santa, so he just stayed here."  "I guess you guys were too naughty and he didn't want to tell Santa on you!"  "Smiley must have been too sick to fly to the North Pole last night.  Poor guy."  Ya, we are horrible parents.

Can we just go back to the simpler times?  Like, I don't want to rack my brain every night trying to come up with a new Elf-story.  I don't want to do it.  It's not fun anymore.  I miss the days when my Elf just sat on the shelf, with his little Elf smirk and his little Elf hat.  And everything wasn't such a big production.  Let's go back I say!  Either that, or one morning Smiley might not return, and the only thing the kids will find is a little tiny letter from a little tiny Elf, who had to return to the North Pole for good, because Santa needed him to help make more toys!  (Of course, that won't really happen, but what I'm trying to say is Eff this damn Elf business!)

Here is where Smiley is hanging out tonight.  Because we are lazy.  Happy Elf-ing December!

This is what 12k looks like

Why do we as women have such a strong desire to have babies?  I know not every woman feels this way, but the ones who do know exactly what I'm talking about.  It's a deep, burning desire that is only filled by a tiny little flicker of a heartbeat inside of your body.  The heartbeat of a little babe.

I got pregnant with Z when I was 20, and with D when I was 23.  It was easy.  Effortless, really.  My sons were my whole world and I loved them more than anything.  Still do.  But I took for granted how easy these babies were brought into my life.  We decided we wanted kids, and we had kids.

Fast forward 10 years, a new life, a new husband, and along with that, a new desire had risen in me to have another baby.  My husband didn't have any children of his own, and we knew right away that we both wanted a baby together.  We decided to start trying the month after we were married, and guess what?  We got pregnant the very first month!  I know, over-achievers! "Whew, that was easy!"  Except that it wasn't.  We lost that sweet little life at 18 weeks and we were beyond devastated.  I felt completely empty.  Alone.  Lost.

Fast forward 3 years, countless medical tests and procedures, and there we were, no answers and no baby.  So what do you do when your desire to have another baby is so strong, so overpowering, and it's just not 'easy' anymore?  You either give up, or you try something new.  We tried something new.

IVF.  That word scared the shit out of me.  Basically you are paying a doctor a lot of money to give you a 50/50 chance at becoming pregnant.  Not to mention the months of meds and shots you have to give yourself just to prepare your body for a "pre-meditated pregnancy".  I didn't know if I was strong enough to do it, but I knew one thing;  I wanted a baby.  And I was prepared to do anything in my power to make it happen.

Fast forward 2 more years, and here we are, celebrating our twins' 1st birthday.  The road to get here has definitely not been easy.  But it was the road we were meant to take.  These girls were meant to be a part of our family, and we would not have gotten them on our own.  Thank God for modern medicine.  The ache I had in my heart for those 3 years is now gone.  I no longer feel like something is missing.  I don't have that empty feeling in my gut anymore.  We definitely aren't your typical family, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

Also, in case you were wondering, this is what 12 grand looks like!!

Getting excited to meet the Big Man In Red!

We are those parents.  The ones who get more excited than their kids to get all dressed up to go to the mall, stand in line for an eternity just to get a 2 minute melt-down picture with the Big Guy!  And I CANNOT wait!!

I have C & C's outfits all ready to go, I just need them to wake up from their naps to try them on and make sure it looks okay. (In case you don't know me, I have a slight obsession with baby fashion!) Here's what I've come up with, opinions welcome! Unless your opinions suck, in which case, you can keep them to yourself!! lol!

Reindeer sweaters and red jeggings from Baby Gap, leopard booties from Pottery Barn Kids, and bows from one of our favorite Instagram shops @littlemisskinlee!  

Of course, like a good mom, I'm making my older boys Z & D be in the picture too, they just don't know it yet! So my next mission is finding them something equally as cute/handsome to wear in the picture too.  Stay tuned for more Santa outfit updates!!!  xoxo

Unicorns & STD's

Today is the day people, and I am running around like a crazy woman!  Hair in a pony tail- which isn't so easy since I chopped it all off 2 days ago, mis-matched hoodie and sweats, no make-up and going on my 3rd cup of coffee.  I hate party planning.  It never comes together like I envision it, but since the girls turn 1 today, I figure I better throw a kick-ass first birthday party!

Our theme is Tinkerbell and Periwinkle, you know, the twin sisters from "Secret of the Wings"! I wanted to Pinterest the shit out of this party, but that is not gonna happen!  It will still be super cute, just not the amazing spectacle that I had imagined.  Mostly because I'm a procrastinator.  As I am typing, the hubbs is hanging streamers.  We have 160 balloons to blow up--by ourselves, a cake to pick up, a house to clean, a year-in-review iMovie to complete, on top of a hundred other tasks to get done.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

When did birthday parties become so extreme?  I remember when I was little I used to have my parties at McDonald's where we would spoon-feed each other ice cream as fast as we could for party games! Nowadays, if you don't have your birthday kid make an entrance on a flying unicorn, with trumpets playing in the background, you're a horrible person!  That's ok, I don't have time for flying unicorns and trumpets.  The girls will have an amazing party with lots of family and friends and they will be SO spoiled, I'm sure!  I'll save the unicorns for when they turn 16 ;)

Here are their birthday invitations!  I think they turned out A-dorable!  We found them on etsy!

On a side note, my 13 year old son brought home a note from school that we have to sign and send back giving him permission to learn about abstinence and STD's in his health class--Awesome!

xoxo

365 days

Do you ever wake up and think to yourself "Where in the hell did the last year of my life go?"  Well that's how I'm feeling right about now.

December 2012 was when we set off on our IVF adventure--I say adventure to try and convince myself it was hella fun!!  In March of 2013 we found out we were expecting twins.  And tomorrow, those twins will be 1 year old.  365 days.  52 weeks.  12 months.  525,948 minutes.  And we are still alive.  We survived.  And now here I sit, asking myself how in the hell did that just happen?  Where did all of that time go?  

The last year has been filled with about a gazillion diapers, a ton of poop, like so much poop you guys!  A lot of tears; both babies' and mine.  Probably a thousand bottles a week, not even exaggerating.  A trillion loads of laundry, a million lost binkis, an infinite number of hours of lost sleep, and like zero sex.  Ya, I said it...you don't have a lot of sex with twin babies to look after.  

The good news is that I feel like the hardest part, the newborn stage, is now behind us and we can start to get back to a somewhat normal life--if there is such a thing.  The past year seemed to fly by in the blink of an eye, yet there were days that I felt had lasted a lifetime.  The girls are on the verge of walking and they are into absolutely everything; we have caught them snacking on the dog food more than once.  It's like we have reached our first big hurdle in a metaphorical never-ending race.  Tomorrow our girls will be 1 and we will move on to the next leg of the race.  Tomorrow we will have toddlers.  (dun dun dun)!

November 20, 2013

 November 19, 2014 (birthday eve)

Anniversaries, spit up and Dr. Phil

Today has been a freakin' day.  I am so over it, it's not even funny.  I have had zero time to myself lately, and I think it's starting to show -(applying Stress Away as we speak)!  Like, if you guys could see my house right now, you would die!  I'm staring at piles of laundry, mail and clutter that I have been staring at for a good while now.  There are loads of baby clothes, toys, blankets and the like scattered around my house, and I can't seem to get on top of it.  I feel like my house is starting to look like an episode of Hoarders-no joke!  I can't tell you the last time I put make up on or did my hair, it's usually up in a bun lately.  There are empty bottles here and there, diapers bags on the floor, and a weird smell coming from the laundry room??  My suitcase is still only half-unpacked from my trip last weekend.

This is what I feel like lately:

Crazy mom in the hizzy!

There just aren't enough hours in the day lately.  Oh, did I mention that today is mine and Jeff's 5 year anniversary?  Yep, we made it 5 years strong!  And the card for my husband is still in a drawer in the room, unsigned.  I'm telling you, no free time!!  We aren't having a fancy celebration, no dinner dates.  I'm here in my cuffed-up jeans, t-shirt, pony tail and no make-up, spit up on the front of my shirt and barely holding it together.  The boys are fighting, which is nothing new, but today I just don't have the patience for it.  Mean mom? Yep, that's me!  The girls are napping and right now I just want to sit down with my iced coffee and watch some Dr. Phil.  The guy just gets me!  

I should be cleaning or doing laundry, making dinner or writing out bills.  But instead I'm sitting on the couch with my Joe and my Phil, and I just might take a nap too!  Motherhood is not for wussies, and especially when you are dealing with twins.  And brothers who fight a lot.  Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like they are in mom-mode 24/7!?

Just in case I don't get to that card in the drawer before tonight and I don't get it written out, here is my Happy Anniversary to my hubbs!  Love you and I'm so excited to see where the future is taking us.  Seriously EXCITED!  Thanks for being an awesome daddy to the girls, they love you so so much.  And thank you for being a strong dad and role model for the boys, when you don't have to be.  

Thanks for making me feel special and reminding me that I am pretty, or a good momma, when I don't always feel it.  You are the best husband ever!  Love you most!

Babies are crying, so that's my cue, and means no nap for me :( So lastly, if you know me or have followed me for a while on Facebook or IG, you know about my love affair with Young Living Essential Oils.  I am doing a giveaway real soon for a few bottles of oils because I want to share the love!  Stay tuned for more details!

Nikkee

XOXO

We can do hard things

This weekend has been very bitter sweet.

On the one hand I feel so lucky and so thrilled to be in San Diego this weekend for an awesome Lemondropper workshop. It was amaze-balls! I got to meet up with some of my fellow Droppers, and meet some new ones as well.  These women are so empowering and so inspiring!  We even got a glance at Lady GaGa, yep she's staying at the same resort that we are at!

I learned so much information and I am so excited that I can hardly stand it!! (Insert excited girly squeal!)  I love hearing stories from other people about why they are here, what is bringing us all together in this unbelievable movement.  Because that's what I feel we are all a part of, this movement.  This thing that is so much bigger than us all, but that we are all wanting to share with everyone we know!  Hearing the speeches and heartfelt stories from these women and leaders is invaluable to me.  

Now, the hard part.  

I miss my girls and my boys and my husband terribly.  I miss baby smell, and stinky baby feet, baby smiles and baby laughs.  I miss my husbands hugs and words of encouragement.  I miss hearing my boys come in the garage door and telling me about their day at school.  I missed my son's soccer try outs and school Wax Museum.  It's hard to be a mom to these little people and to be away from them. Luckily my husband sends me pictures like this to make me smile while I'm away!

My husband. 

Seriously, how did I get so lucky??  Not only is he managing the twins on his own while I'm gone for the weekend, but he is doing it with flying colors!  The guy deserves like a purple heart or something!    He's stepping up to do all of the hard things that I can't right now.  Our kiddos are so lucky!!  But my heart hurts for my husband tonight.  Because today he closed an important chapter in his life and I feel horrible that I am not there to help him.  Today he closed down one of his karate studios.  He puts his blood and sweat into his students and his studios, but we couldn't keep this one going any longer, and he had to say goodbye.  That's a pretty big deal.  I know that all of this is happening for a reason.  It's no coincidence to me that we are closing this door at the same time we are walking into another.  It's that crazy ride I was talking about, that we don't seem to have control of.  Seeing this picture of the empty studio kinda hit me in the gut.  But we can do hard things.  And we can make it.  We will make it. 

So now that today is over with, I'm taking some of my best friends, and we are going to bed.  Valor and Cedarwood for a good night's sleep, Stress Away to calm my mind, and Deep Relief because my freaking shoulders are killing me!  

See y'all back in the S.L.C.!!

XOXO

Nikkee

One pair of Big Girl Panties, please!

So, for as long as I can remember, I have never been that girl. The girl to be adventurous, to step out of the norm, to do things that might not be considered main-stream. I always play it safe, I play by the rules and I color inside of the lines. Well guess what people?? All of that stuff just screams BORING!

My life seems to be taking on a gravitational pull lately that I have no control over. I feel like I am just along for the ride. But ironically enough, it also feels comfortable. It feels safe. It's like I have been sitting at the same bus stop for 34 years, waiting for a ride that never shows up. Until now. My ride is here and I am friggin' thrilled! I may not be in control, and I might be a little scared, but that goes along with the whole stepping out-of-the-box thing, right??

This weekend I am getting on a plane, by myself, and spending the weekend with a bunch of strangers who all have 1 thing in common: People. We are all passionate about helping people. Educating people. And loving people.

So I'm sitting here packing up my suitcase, Big Girl Panties included! Because my ride is here, and I ain't about to miss it!!


XOXO

Nikkee

Let's start from the very beginning...

First of all, I can't believe that it has been a year since my last post. Where has the time gone? I wanted to do a quick little recap for any new readers, of what I have been through in the last 6 years of my life that has led me to where I am today.

I was 28. Divorced. A single mom, raising 2 little boys all on my own. I'd say that I was at a very low time in my life. I didn't have much, but we were making it. Dylan was only 4 and Zack was 6. I had moved back in with my parents because I was no longer able to support my little family on my own. Thank God for parents. I had decided that I needed to get the boys involved in some sort of activity. Something to keep them active and out of trouble, right? My mom had suggested to me that I sign the boys up for karate. Perfect! I made the call, scheduled their first lesson, fell in love with their Instructor, like literally, fell in love! Although he was able to resist my advances at first, eventually he caved and we went out on our first date. We were married 7 months later! Crazy, right??

So there we were, our little family of four. Jeff had no kids of his own and I had this feeling in my gut that just wouldn't quit, I knew I wanted more kids, I was meant to have more kids. When we finally decided the time was right for us to start trying, I think we were both a little shocked at how fast it actually happened. Like, crazy shocked! We were thrilled to be expecting our own little babe, something we had created together. I felt full of love, full of the life that was growing inside me. I was happy. Until I was 18 weeks. We lost our little baby at 18 weeks, and it was the absolute most horrible thing that I have been through in my life. How did this happen? Why me? What had I done to deserve this? These were all questions that ran through my head over and over again. We later found out that it had been a little girl, and there was no answer to why it had happened. The hundreds of dollars spent on medical tests couldn't even tell us why it happened. We were both shattered. Devastated. Empty.

Over the next 3 years Jeff and I would struggle with infertility. We did test after test, and everything kept coming back "normal". We did several rounds of fertility drugs, along with 3 rounds of IUI (intrauterine insemination), before we finally decided that we were going to take the plunge with IVF. We were scared, but optimistic. (You can read all about my IVF journey in my previous posts!) We ended up transferring 2 little embryos, who are now our 6 month old baby girl twinkies - Cali and Capri! We have been so blessed with these 2 babies, let me tell you! They are seriously the perfect ending to my little story...

...if this had been the ending. But honestly, I feel like my life is just beginning in so many ways. At 34 years old, I am finally starting to feel that my life has purpose. That I am meant to be here, in this exact place, at this exact time. Is that weird? Maybe. But I'm ok with weird. I'm ok with the crazy. I'm ok with all of it, because it's where I choose to be.

At this point in my life, I am finally starting to do the things I have always wanted to do, but never thought I could. I love to write, and guess what? I'm writing. I'm using the inspiration from my little girls to write kids books, because it's something I have always wanted to do. I'm taking on new business ventures, which is another thing that I never thought I would be doing in a million years. I am meeting new people, sharing my passion, and I love it! Every single day, I love it! I started an online shop selling the clothes that my girls grow out of, another thing that I never thought I would be doing, but I am! And I adore the friendships I have made with other moms out there doing the same thing.

I guess the point of this post is to remind you that no matter where you are in life, it's never too late to find something you love, and run with it. Run your ass off! Do big things. Be different. Stand out. Make a difference.

I plan to keep this blog updated weekly with anything from family, to twins, to trials, to products that I love, maybe some that I don't. Random things here and there, because that's how I roll lately. Welcome to my crazy!